Making Mistakes

My husband and I were discussing our decisions over the past 12 years and how each time we decide to change/do something new...it turns in a clusterfuck of epic proportions.  We even asked ourselves: Are we losers?  Or are we just...*gasp*...stupid?

Everyone makes mistakes in life...and really - making mistakes is part of the learning process for me.  I understand and accept this fact...even if it means learning the hard way.  But, I'm tired.  We're tired.  We go to bed every night and stare at our ceiling, lost in our thoughts.  (Or, at least I do...usually he's snoring within minutes of hitting the pillow.)

I want to go back to college and get a degree...in something...in anything.  I feel like the key to us getting ahead and 'making something of ourselves' is an education.  I see my friends and acquaintances on FaceBook moving up...making money...happy.  And they continued with their education and started their family after their career took off.  Don't get me wrong...I do not regret my choices of getting married at a young age and having children right away.  At the time, it was right for our family.  But, now we're stuck...in a place we don't really like...away from our families and broke.  Not destitute...we have a roof over our heads...and food in the pantry.  But, we only have one car...which barely runs...we have literally been stuck inside the house for all of summer because when one is home, with the kids, the other is at work...with the car. 

I don't need fancy toys or million dollar cars/houses...I just want to be comfortable.  I just want to go to the beach on the weekends without worrying about gas money...or grocery money...and not worrying about having a hamburger at the local beach side hole-in-the-wall. 

This wasn't really supposed to be about money...it was supposed to be about how my mistakes and decisions have driven us into the ground and forced us to make last-second decisions that ultimately make things worse - no matter how much we've analyzed the decision beforehand (usually only a few days before we dive in - headfirst).

For example...last year I was offered a promotion.  In a different state.  A state with a beach.  And palm trees.  And more money.  So...I dove in...headfirst.  And here we are.  Isolated...broke...stuck.  It's not all bad...it's really not.  The beach is okay.  The restaurants are okay.  And there are definitely palm trees here.  It's not any more expensive than where we were before.  But, something is missing here and I can't put my finger on it.  I can't believe I'm going to say this...after all the years of promising myself that I would leave Kansas come hell or high water...but I think I left my heart in Kansas. 

I left it with the people who I left behind.  I miss my family and my friends.  I'm not tied to the land...just the people (although the thought of being in a shark and gator-free state is very enticing).  I miss my mom.  I miss my grandma.  People are dying there and I can't go to their funerals...I can't say goodbye.  And...I miss my little nieces and nephews. 

This is definitely not what I expected...and I neglected to think about these things before I dove in and ran, hysterically screaming and laughing at finally 'escaping'.  (What exactly did I escape?)

Anyways...it's time to do something.  I can't stay here forever...I can't watch people die from 1,200 miles away.  But, this time we have to do it right...for once.  With forethought and meticulous planning.  No more diving in headfirst. 

-IndiaGuerita