Angry

I lost a friend on Friday, July 19th.  This is the first time I have lost a friend.  I have run the gambit of emotions but today I am feeling very angry.  I feel like screaming and punching a brick wall.

Just tell me...how the fuck does a 96 year old still have a license to operate a (lethal weapon) 2,000 pound vehicle?  Where are the family members of this guy?  Selfish bastards, all of them, for not being more responsible.  Why did the state reissue a license to him?  He's 96!  His driving days were over...but it took a fatality accident for someone to take heed.  Where is the logic in this?

A young man's life is cut brutally short after only 28 years.  And yet the 96 year old lives to see another day.  (And probably won't even lose his driving privileges...I can just hear the public outcry on the man's 'rights' and civil liberties.  Puh-lease...gimme a fucking break.)

I know that my friend would not want me to feel this way.  He would want me to forgive and let God judge this man for his actions and consequences.  But, I'm not religious.  And I'm not ready to forgive...yet.  The bottom line, for me, is that if there were laws in place to do yearly testing for drivers over a certain age - or if family members gave a damn about their elderly - I would not even be writing this.

I needed to rage today - openly...and not on FaceBook.  I don't need to debate how I feel right now.  I don't need people to disagree with me and say: "Well...but..."  No, STFU and let me vent.  You all have God to get you through your grief.  I don't want to hear or see anymore sweet quips about 'being strong' and 'he's in a better place'.  WTF?  He's dead.  How is THAT better?  'He wouldn't want to see us like this'.......Huh?  How do you know that?  You don't know what our friendship was based on!  (It was based on shenanigans and laughter...giving each other shit on a daily basis just to make the other one laugh.  We only had one or two really serious conversations:  one about love and one about religion.)  I would never be so flippant as to tell a person (to whom my only tenuous connection is that of my friend) how they should be feeling or how they should be handling their grief. 

I understand that some of us deal with grief differently.  We react differently.  Some of us retreat.  Some of us get depressed, become numb or go into denial.  But some of us get angry.  And that's where I'm at right now.     

Part of my anger is my own guilt for not reaching out more to my friend after I left the job where we worked together.  We maintained basic contact through FaceBook...but there was a point in time that he would text me out of the blue and ask me how I was doing.  Why didn't I return that level of friendship?  How could I have been so stupid and lazy?  A simple text or a phone call to ask him how he was or if he was having a good day.  I took him so for granted.  I'm mad at myself for that.  Everyday for more than year he would stop by my desk or go outside with me to stand next to me while I smoked...just to ask me how my day was going.  Random hugs....man, I miss those random, heart-felt hugs.  I don't even LIKE hugs! 

I'm angry that I moved away and that I do not get to grieve with my former co-workers.  I'm angry at myself for not realizing that everyone is grieving, too.  Selfish, I know.  I thought about my friends pulling up to the building where they all worked - having to face the pain of entering the building or even looking for his car/motorcycle.  They are strong.  They are brave.  And I am sorry that they are going through this pain.

His family...my God, his family and lifelong friends.  It's so overwhelming.  To see their strength as they organize services and get his friends in gear to help the family and shield them from the horrible pain that they must be experiencing right now.  It's truly amazing to watch his friends at work.  Gathering pictures, stories and making the arrangements.  I don't know how they do it...I mean...I know they do it to honor him and his memory.  But, still.  They are all amazing people...and that makes sense - he would have surrounded himself with like people - completely amazing.

I imagine myself asking him:  You mad, bro?  And I can just hear him chuckle and say:  Not at all.  Not at all.

-IndiaGuerita