Last night my husband and I sat outside after the kids were in bed and we were watching music videos and chatting. Randomly I started talking about some of my favorite memories of my friend who passed away almost three months ago.
Most of the memories were sweet and funny. But some were sad and serious memories, memories that left me with feelings of a regret that I have never felt before.
As we sat together and my husband listened to my tales of shenanigans, fights and private conversations that I had with my friend that I had never shared with anyone before, my thoughts turned melancholy.
I looked at my husband and I could feel the tears starting behind my eyelids. I asked him simply: Why? Why do you think it had to be him? He was full of pure, unadulterated goodness. His smile could change the course of your day.
My husband stared at me and I prepared for the typical 'That's life' response. I didn't want to hear that response anymore. I needed a reason for this pointless tragedy. (Everything happens for a reason, right?) His response was much better than 'That's life'. It was exactly what I needed to hear, although I was not quite prepared for the tranquility and epiphany that followed.
In Greek mythology there is a place called the Elysium Fields. It is a place that Catholics would call Pergatory. It is a place where the dead go to be 'judged'. Hades...or Heaven. Or in some cases the dead choose to remain in Elysium Fields.
"Initially separate from the realm of Hades, admission was initially reserved for mortals related to the gods and other heroes. Later, it expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous, and the heroic, where they would remain after death, to live a blessed and happy life, and indulging in whatever employment they had enjoyed in life."
I think this is where my friend is right now. I think he stays behind - making his 'visits' via dreams to his friends and family who have been so devastated by his loss. He is telling us that he is okay, that he is happy. He is checking on us - making sure that we are okay and that we are happy. I laughed and told my husband that my friend visited me, in a dream, not long after his death and he was smiling, like always. He was laughing and he told me: I'm fine! Really! I'm so happy. I will be okay...
My husband responded that my friend really was a remarkable man...even in death he is selfless. I laughed...hysterically. It is true! It's exactly the kind of thing my friend would have done. He would stay behind...prolonging his journey to the true afterlife to make sure that his friends and family are at peace.
This morning I had a moment of clarity while I was driving to work. I was thinking about him making his dream visits and I silently begged for one last visit. The selfishness of this request hit me like a ton of bricks. My selfishness was delaying the moment that my friend had worked his short 28 years for: Being at the right hand of God.
And so, my dearest, sweet, honorable, selfless, intelligent, radiant and truly one-of-a-kind friend...I am letting go. Thank you for checking in on me but I want you to go now. I am at peace. I will never, ever have a day that you do not cross my mind. You deserve to go and enjoy your rightful and well earned place in Heaven or in Elysium Fields. I will miss you.
-IndiaGuerita
"And they live untouched by sorrow in the islands of the blessed along the shore of deep-swirling Ocean, happy heroes for whom the grain-giving earth bears honey-sweet fruit flourishing thrice a year, far from the deathless gods, and Cronos rules over them." -Hesiod, Works and Days
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