I lost a friend on Friday, July 19th. This is the first time I have lost a friend. I have run the gambit of emotions but today I am feeling very angry. I feel like screaming and punching a brick wall.
Just tell me...how the fuck does a 96 year old still have a license to operate a (lethal weapon) 2,000 pound vehicle? Where are the family members of this guy? Selfish bastards, all of them, for not being more responsible. Why did the state reissue a license to him? He's 96! His driving days were over...but it took a fatality accident for someone to take heed. Where is the logic in this?
A young man's life is cut brutally short after only 28 years. And yet the 96 year old lives to see another day. (And probably won't even lose his driving privileges...I can just hear the public outcry on the man's 'rights' and civil liberties. Puh-lease...gimme a fucking break.)
I know that my friend would not want me to feel this way. He would want me to forgive and let God judge this man for his actions and consequences. But, I'm not religious. And I'm not ready to forgive...yet. The bottom line, for me, is that if there were laws in place to do yearly testing for drivers over a certain age - or if family members gave a damn about their elderly - I would not even be writing this.
I needed to rage today - openly...and not on FaceBook. I don't need to debate how I feel right now. I don't need people to disagree with me and say: "Well...but..." No, STFU and let me vent. You all have God to get you through your grief. I don't want to hear or see anymore sweet quips about 'being strong' and 'he's in a better place'. WTF? He's dead. How is THAT better? 'He wouldn't want to see us like this'.......Huh? How do you know that? You don't know what our friendship was based on! (It was based on shenanigans and laughter...giving each other shit on a daily basis just to make the other one laugh. We only had one or two really serious conversations: one about love and one about religion.) I would never be so flippant as to tell a person (to whom my only tenuous connection is that of my friend) how they should be feeling or how they should be handling their grief.
I understand that some of us deal with grief differently. We react differently. Some of us retreat. Some of us get depressed, become numb or go into denial. But some of us get angry. And that's where I'm at right now.
Part of my anger is my own guilt for not reaching out more to my friend after I left the job where we worked together. We maintained basic contact through FaceBook...but there was a point in time that he would text me out of the blue and ask me how I was doing. Why didn't I return that level of friendship? How could I have been so stupid and lazy? A simple text or a phone call to ask him how he was or if he was having a good day. I took him so for granted. I'm mad at myself for that. Everyday for more than year he would stop by my desk or go outside with me to stand next to me while I smoked...just to ask me how my day was going. Random hugs....man, I miss those random, heart-felt hugs. I don't even LIKE hugs!
I'm angry that I moved away and that I do not get to grieve with my former co-workers. I'm angry at myself for not realizing that everyone is grieving, too. Selfish, I know. I thought about my friends pulling up to the building where they all worked - having to face the pain of entering the building or even looking for his car/motorcycle. They are strong. They are brave. And I am sorry that they are going through this pain.
His family...my God, his family and lifelong friends. It's so overwhelming. To see their strength as they organize services and get his friends in gear to help the family and shield them from the horrible pain that they must be experiencing right now. It's truly amazing to watch his friends at work. Gathering pictures, stories and making the arrangements. I don't know how they do it...I mean...I know they do it to honor him and his memory. But, still. They are all amazing people...and that makes sense - he would have surrounded himself with like people - completely amazing.
I imagine myself asking him: You mad, bro? And I can just hear him chuckle and say: Not at all. Not at all.
-IndiaGuerita
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
How I lost 50 pounds...I promise this is not a preachy blog post
On January 17th, 2013 I sat staring at the picture my husband had texted me. As I sat there and took in the full-body shot of myself I was stunned, speechless (except for my tears of shame and anger). How could I have let myself get this fat? I had several rolls of fat exploding over my size 24w pants and my shirt was stretched so tightly over my sausage rolls that it looked close to bursting open.
I decided in that instant that it was time for a change and this time I was not going to give up.
With the help of my husband and a few friends who had already traversed this rocky road, I started researching nutrition, calories and exercise. I didn't want to revert back to my fad diets that had failed me so miserably. I wanted to win this time around. I wanted to show my fat who was the boss. (Me.)
I started exercising right away like a maniac. I did Insanity for nearly two weeks before collapsing to the ground in agony and sheer panic. I was wearing the poor-man's version of Spanx underneath my exercise clothes and I was gushing sweat profusely. While struggling to catch my breath and still prone I stared at my husband whose eyebrows were arched in concern and amusement. What was I thinking? I started with Olympic-athlete style exercises and I weigh 257 pounds!
So, I regrouped. I joined a free website for counting calories, MyFitnessPal.com. I downloaded the (free) fitness-tracking app Endomondo. And then I did something that jump started my weight loss forever and propelled me into true fitness: I downloaded the (free) C25K app. And last but not least - I bought a cheap food-measuring scale and a set of measuring cups.
I started measuring every bite I put into my mouth and tracking every morsel of food that I ate. I was astonished to find that although I thought I was only eating my recommended 1,600 daily calories - with all the extra bites and 'tastes' I was actually eating closer to 2,200 calories a day. I started doing the C25K app exactly as the app instructs. Horrifyingly, I found that I could BARELY jog (slowly) 30 seconds. I can jog (slowly, still) three miles and I've added bicycling, walking to the store with my three kids (three miles round trip) to get groceries and some weight training. (Side note: My oldest son was overweight too and he is now down 15 pounds just from some light portion control and adding more physical activity. We got rid of our Wii and cable TV. Those two things helped all of us immensely as far as getting rid of excuses not to go outside and get moving.)
I set four goals for myself when I started. The ultimate, big goal was to weigh 140 pounds. I figured this was a reasonable goal, especially after having three children and being age (almost) 30 (and also having been overweight my whole life I didn't want to pick an impossible weight and be frustrated by failure). My second 'mini' goal was to be under 200 pounds. I achieved this goal about a month ago. My third goal was simply to feel good. I wanted to feel good in my clothes, to feel good about standing next to my handsome, athletic husband. I wanted to feel good while playing with my kids and not feel like a sweaty, fat pig in this Florida humidity. (I still feel like a sweaty pig just slightly less fat.) My third goal was to look good. I wanted to feel sexy. (Maybe some women/men can feel sexy at 260 pounds, but I am not one of those women.) And my fourth and not yet achieved goal is to quit smoking cigarettes.
My friends, family and husband have been by my side (through Facebook, texts or literally by my side encouraging me to run an extra 30 seconds) throughout this six month process. I can't thank them enough for all the support they have given me. When I see other people's success it drives me forward and helps me turn down the office potluck offers of brownies (mmmmmmm...), chips and cake. Don't get me wrong, I will always be a fatty-at-heart. I love greasy tacos, french fries covered in blue cheese dressing and chocolate (God, how I love chocolate). And, I have made LOTS of mistakes along the way. (Just last week I ate four bowls of cereal in a row. It was delicious and so worth it.)
But, now after I make a mistake I evaluate why I craved certain foods and research which nutrient my body must be needing. And then I start over the next day.
My first random thought for the day: Turn off the TV (news) and turn on the music. I am so sick of hearing the media blather on about the Zimmerman/Martin case. For the love of all that is holy...it's OVER. Time to move on!
Second random thought of the day: Why didn't anyone warn me how hot and disgusting Florida is in the summer? Sweet bajeezus this place is stinky and humid.
As the Filipinos say: Kumuha ng pababa sa iyong masamang sarili! (Get down with your bad self!)
I decided in that instant that it was time for a change and this time I was not going to give up.
With the help of my husband and a few friends who had already traversed this rocky road, I started researching nutrition, calories and exercise. I didn't want to revert back to my fad diets that had failed me so miserably. I wanted to win this time around. I wanted to show my fat who was the boss. (Me.)
I started exercising right away like a maniac. I did Insanity for nearly two weeks before collapsing to the ground in agony and sheer panic. I was wearing the poor-man's version of Spanx underneath my exercise clothes and I was gushing sweat profusely. While struggling to catch my breath and still prone I stared at my husband whose eyebrows were arched in concern and amusement. What was I thinking? I started with Olympic-athlete style exercises and I weigh 257 pounds!
So, I regrouped. I joined a free website for counting calories, MyFitnessPal.com. I downloaded the (free) fitness-tracking app Endomondo. And then I did something that jump started my weight loss forever and propelled me into true fitness: I downloaded the (free) C25K app. And last but not least - I bought a cheap food-measuring scale and a set of measuring cups.
I started measuring every bite I put into my mouth and tracking every morsel of food that I ate. I was astonished to find that although I thought I was only eating my recommended 1,600 daily calories - with all the extra bites and 'tastes' I was actually eating closer to 2,200 calories a day. I started doing the C25K app exactly as the app instructs. Horrifyingly, I found that I could BARELY jog (slowly) 30 seconds. I can jog (slowly, still) three miles and I've added bicycling, walking to the store with my three kids (three miles round trip) to get groceries and some weight training. (Side note: My oldest son was overweight too and he is now down 15 pounds just from some light portion control and adding more physical activity. We got rid of our Wii and cable TV. Those two things helped all of us immensely as far as getting rid of excuses not to go outside and get moving.)
I set four goals for myself when I started. The ultimate, big goal was to weigh 140 pounds. I figured this was a reasonable goal, especially after having three children and being age (almost) 30 (and also having been overweight my whole life I didn't want to pick an impossible weight and be frustrated by failure). My second 'mini' goal was to be under 200 pounds. I achieved this goal about a month ago. My third goal was simply to feel good. I wanted to feel good in my clothes, to feel good about standing next to my handsome, athletic husband. I wanted to feel good while playing with my kids and not feel like a sweaty, fat pig in this Florida humidity. (I still feel like a sweaty pig just slightly less fat.) My third goal was to look good. I wanted to feel sexy. (Maybe some women/men can feel sexy at 260 pounds, but I am not one of those women.) And my fourth and not yet achieved goal is to quit smoking cigarettes.
My friends, family and husband have been by my side (through Facebook, texts or literally by my side encouraging me to run an extra 30 seconds) throughout this six month process. I can't thank them enough for all the support they have given me. When I see other people's success it drives me forward and helps me turn down the office potluck offers of brownies (mmmmmmm...), chips and cake. Don't get me wrong, I will always be a fatty-at-heart. I love greasy tacos, french fries covered in blue cheese dressing and chocolate (God, how I love chocolate). And, I have made LOTS of mistakes along the way. (Just last week I ate four bowls of cereal in a row. It was delicious and so worth it.)
But, now after I make a mistake I evaluate why I craved certain foods and research which nutrient my body must be needing. And then I start over the next day.
My first random thought for the day: Turn off the TV (news) and turn on the music. I am so sick of hearing the media blather on about the Zimmerman/Martin case. For the love of all that is holy...it's OVER. Time to move on!
Second random thought of the day: Why didn't anyone warn me how hot and disgusting Florida is in the summer? Sweet bajeezus this place is stinky and humid.
As the Filipinos say: Kumuha ng pababa sa iyong masamang sarili! (Get down with your bad self!)
This picture is the picture I mentioned in the beginning. The picture that changed it all. I was too scared to weigh myself on this day but I was probably between 260-265. (January 9, 2013)
This picture is from July 12, 2013. I am 50 pounds lighter in this one. 55 more pounds to go until my goal!
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