Getting off the political merry-go-round

Is election season over yet?  

Politics have once again taken over every outlet in the United States.  Ugly political signs litter American yards.  TV ads shout at us to not vote for so-and-so because they are evil and bankrupted our cities and schools.  Blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Same shit, same candidates, same rhetoric...different year.

Instead of the political parties working together to change America for the better - they are dividing this country even more with their radical idealogies.  I blame social media and all news sources for this ever-growing divide amongst people.  Instead of our minds evolving and growing we are retreating to our neanderthal caves and becoming more and more extremist in our views.

With each passing birthday I feel less and less connected to politics in this country.  I grow more and more cynical and less enthusiastic about the outcome of each election.  Rather than join in a lively debate, I make a hasty retreat to my own cave or I go for a run.  

Where are the normal people at?  The ones who do not think that President Obama is Satan, but rather just an ineffective president?  The ones who don't immediately think that we should be preparing for the implosion of our country because ONE PERSON has Ebola?  Jesus H. Christ, people.  For fuck's sake.  Calm your ever-loving tits!

I am grateful and proud to be an American.  I love guns and think that any responsible and trained person who wants to own a gun should own them.  I eschew religion and I don't care who marries who.  I wouldn't get an abortion but I do not think it is my right to decide for other women what they do with their uterus.  I do not like our current president but I do not think he is Hitler, Stalin or Satan.  I believe in fiscal responsibility and lower taxes.  I do not think that the rich are evil nor do I think that they ruined this country.  I believe in capitalism and do not think that money is evil.  I am broke but I do not blame anyone but myself.  I believe in social welfare programs for those that need it.  I believe in better border security but I do not believe that amnesty is the answer.  I do not believe that the ACA was the right decision for this country and eventually I believe it will crumble like a house of cards.  I don't think the ACA decision was evil...I just think that government bureaucrats are the wrong people to meddle in the insurance risk management world.  Our military is one of the greatest organizations on this earth and I will forever thank our soldiers for their service to this great country.  Their lives are a thing of sacrifice, duty and honor.  I wish our country had mandatory service laws.  There is nothing that infuriates me more than hearing someone, American or otherwise, debase our soldiers or military.  A big middle finger to those people.  Seriously...fuck you.

Based on the limited things I wrote above I would challenge anyone to slap a label on my beliefs.  You can't.  I don't fit into a mold...and I think this is true of a lot of Americans.  It isn't that simple anymore.  I do not identify 100% with any of our current political parties - including the independent party.  

I can't wait for the election season to be over so we can all come out of our caves and look around at each other again.  Until then...I'll be on a run.

-India

Things I told myself and others when I was fat...

During my weight loss journey I learned a few things about myself that were pretty hard pills to swallow. At first it was depressing. Then I became angry with myself. And finally I accepted that the damage was done and that I had in fact done the damage to myself. Besides how having children changed my body (permanently) I had to accept the fact that my loose skin, stretch marks and obesity was caused by me and by nobody else. 

I had shoved countless calories into my mouth and the reason I was fat was because I was lazy and lying to myself. There are so many lies that I told myself and to others. Some of the lies were based on my humiliation of being so overweight. I didn't want to accept the fact that that the reason why I looked like a beached whale was because I intentionally ate 5,000+ calories a day of pure junk. (A 'normal' caloric intake for a woman my age is between 1,200 and 1,800 calories a day, depending on physical activity level...I was eating calories 5,000 a day...or possibly more...Gee, I wonder why I was fat!?) 

The truth is, weight loss is simple science: Eat less calories than you burn. Simple. Here are some lies that I used to tell myself and others when I was fat. Some of these lies were convincing...and some of them are just pathetic. Looking back it's comical. But, back then it wasn't comical. All these of these things were thought or said in emotional distress.

1. "I don't understanding how I can be so fat! I don't eat that much!" I consider this the number one lie that I used to tell myself and others around me. Now that I measure my food and follow the recommended serving sizes on packaged food I realize how ridiculous this statement is. While it may be true that I felt like I wasn't overeating, the truth is I was eating so many calories of junk that my metabolism was in shock. For example, before I started actively trying to lose weight my day in meals might look something like this: 

Breakfast: Nothing. (Sweet! No calories there! And I'm not even hungry!) 

Lunch: Number one at McDonald's. (Super-size? Are you kidding?! Of COURSE I want six servings of fries at once! Besides, I skipped breakfast so I should be fine.) Big Mac: 550 calories, Large Fries: 500 calories, Large Dr. Pepper: 500 calories. Total: 1,550 calories  (Source: McDonald's website.)

Dinner: Pepperoni Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut. Four Slices: (370 calories per slice) 1,480 calories. Large Pepsi: 500 calories. Hershey's Dunkers sticks (Gotta have dessert, right?!) 2 slices: 190 calories. Total: 2,170 calories. (Source: Pizza Hut website.)

Late night snack: Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream: 2 servings: 520 calories. 

Total calories for the day: 4,240. 

I really had myself convinced that since I skipped breakfast I could splurge for lunch and dinner. Now I eat five to six meals a day with only 400 to 500 calories a meal. 

2. "I work out ALL the time!!! I don't understand whyyyy I'm soooo fat!" See lie number one. In a typical work out sesh I burn anywhere from 400 to 800 calories in 30 to 60 minutes. I just ate 4,240 calories but only worked out for 30 minutes?!?! C'mon...simple science. 

3. "I can't focus on losing weight right now because I'm so stressed/angry/depressed/sick/in pain/don't have time...etc." We all have our own excuses of why we can't dedicate the time it takes to learn about nutrition and weight loss. The excuses listed above slowly went away once I started losing weight. I wasn't so stressed anymore after I finished exercising. (It's science...exercising causes your brain to release hormones that trigger feelings of happiness and tranquility. Science, bitches...it's magical.) When I had control of my food instead of allowing food to control me I felt happy, less stressed, less angry. I treated people around me better...and I treated myself better. Once I stopped eating shitty food filled with preservatives I also quit feeling sick. Now when I splurge (like I did yesterday: McDouble, medium fries and water) I swell up like a tick and I feel like I have the flu. I have a constant internal battle in my head going on with my former fatty self and my new healthy self of whether or not the flu-like symptoms, swollen feet, fingers and legs are worth it to have some fries. (Yesterday my inner fatty won...and I enjoyed it.) Yes, when I started exercising it was painful. My knees hurt, my feet hurt...I had shin splints...my muscles ached constantly. But, slowly that went away. And pretty soon I was waking up without any pain. The aching joints (from the 15,000 mg of sodium I was eating) went away. Not having time was the most ridiculous excuse I made not to get healthy and lose weight. I was spending at least two hours a day on FaceBook or in front of the boob tube. You only need 30 minutes to work up a sweat and get your heart rate up. 30 little, tiny minutes. 

4. "I don't want to eat like a rabbit for the rest of my life! I would rather die happy and fat than die munching on a salad!" Seriously...that's just stupid. But, I didn't know that I didn't have to eat salads for the rest of my life. I thought I had to feel hungry all the time and nibble on iceberg lettuce leaves until I died, gaunt and deliriously happy at having made it to my goal weight. Uh...no. A typical day in meals looks like this for me: 

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of plain oatmeal. 1 tbsp of peanut butter. 1/2 cup of frozen berries mixed in. 1/2 cup of coconut milk poured on top. 8 ounces of coffee, 2 tbsp of non-dairy creamer. (Calories: 350) 

Snack: Cheese stick and some type of fruit. (Generally I eat a cup of strawberries or a small banana.) (Calories: 160-200) 

Lunch: Burrito bowl from Chipotle with: 1 cup of pinto or black beans, 4 ounces of steak or carnitas, pico de gallo, 1/4 cup of shredded cheese, 3 ounces of guac. Water. (Calories: 500 to 600 - depending on how heavy they went on the cheese or guac.)

Dinner: Steamed veggies (usually cauliflower or broccoli) seasoned with garlic powder and Parmesan cheese, 4 to 6 ounces of baked chicken. (Calories: 350 to 500 calories) Do you see any salad on that list?? I rarely eat salads and I am always satisfied at the end of the day. 

5. "People will laugh at me if I go to the gym because I'm so fat." This lie might be true. There probably are assholes out there laughing at you. I've learned something about the gymrat asshole, though. Once those pounds start coming off and you're sticking with your plan...the gymrat asshole is still an asshole no matter what size you are. And, mostly people are not laughing at you. They are proud of you but too shy to say anything. Secretly you may be motivating someone else who is feeling bad about the gymrat asshole laughing at them...but your dedication is inspirational to someone. The other day I looked in on a boot camp class at the gym and near the back was a very overweight young woman who was giving it her all. I wanted to go hug her and tell her how much she was motivating me. Bottom line is...there will ALWAYS be at least one shithead who is laughing at you behind your back. Who cares? For every asshole who is laughing at you  there are 10 more people behind him that you are motivating to keep going.

6. "I will always be fat so why bother?" This was what I started telling myself near my rock-bottom. I was giving up. This lie comes from depression. I tried to convince myself that it was just 'in my genes' to be fat...that I would NEVER look like those other women. (Self-esteem comes back after the weight starts coming off and your health starts going back up. The hardest lesson that I have had to learn is to love the skin I am in. I won't ever look like those skinny bitches on the cover of magazines...but why would I want to? My mother gave me a beautiful, hourglass figure and I've learned to love it.) This lie is usually followed by "Everyone in my family is fat so I guess I'm destined to be fat, too." No. No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Once you've convinced yourself of this lie it's hard to come back. (Side note...when you say this lie out loud and your children hear it - they also begin to convince themselves that they are destined to be fat, too. My son even asked me once if I would still love him 'when he was fat'...at eight he already had convinced himself that he was going to grow up and be fat.) Nobody is 'destined' to be anything. You make your own choices. It's not easy. The change from 4,240 calories a day to 1,400 calories a day was really, REALLY hard. I was hungry a lot in the beginning...but my stomach shrank back down to a normal size and then I was fulfilled with the healthier choices I was making. Once my body started changing and my clothes began to get baggy, this myth was busted forever for me. (Last week I had a coworker tell me she couldn't lose weight because she was diabetic. I felt so bad for her. I recognized that look of desperation and humiliation in her eyes. It's hard to accept the fact that we have caused ourselves to be fat...when the realization hits it's hard to overcome and keep going with your weight loss efforts...you will feel like giving up...but don't.) 

The lies I told myself are countless. Sometimes the lies resurface when I'm feeling lazy or bored. And I'll use them as an excuse to eat a Big Mac. But, then I remember why I don't eat Big Macs anymore...cause I feel like shit afterwards. Almost immediately afterwards my body balloons up so fast that I have to change into loose-fitting clothes to avoid having my circulation cut off. Seriously...it is that bad. I still love all that food. And I still want it. And I still eat it once in awhile. But now I try to own up to my choices. I just tell myself: Ok, dude...You wanted a Big Mac and you ate it. Damage is done...now start over tomorrow! 

 As I type this I am staring at my banana and thinking: I really wish you were a chocolate covered donut. 

-India

2014's random thoughts

Less than a month ago I moved back to Kansas from Northern Florida.  That's a long story and I'll tell it some other time. 

I applied to over 100 jobs when I got back to Kansas and received two job offers.  One was at a collections agency for payday loans.  The potential for commissions was great...but I couldn't risk the instability.  I accepted the second job after some wonderful people at my previous position gave me rave reviews.  I owe them many thanks and I am indebted to them for getting me in the door. 

Over the course of about three months I put back on roughly 30 pounds.  I restarted my weight loss journey, officially, on January 6th and I'm back down under 200 lbs again.  I was pretty bummed with myself about the weight gain...but it was a really stressful time...so I'm giving myself a 'break' and I'm just moving forward.

The kids are happy (and fatter...) to be back in Kansas.  They love living with grandma.   Six people living in a tiny farmhouse built in the 20's with only one bathroom is not exactly my dream come true but I am very grateful for the help and support of my family.  

I definitely  miss the weather in Florida.  Today the temp was around 2 degrees this morning with a windchill of negative 12.  Dammit, man.  I miss being able to throw caution to the wind and drive to the beach for the day.  And I miss the friends that I made in FL.  A lot.  (Club chiks, anyone?)

Oh...almost forgot.  I turned thirty in September 2013.  It's surreal.  I don't feel old but every once in a while I remember that I'm not 18 anymore (thank God) and it hits me like a ton of bricks...Holy shit, I'm THIRTY.  THIRTY.  THIRTY.  THIRTY.  FML!!!  I keep thinking to myself:  There's so much that you haven't done yet!!!!!!!!  AND YOU'RE THIRTY EFFING YEARS OLD.  I know it's kind of silly...but it's just a weird feeling to suddenly realize you're 30...thiirrrrrttttyyyyyy.  Also, apparently when you turn thirty you no longer give a shit what's on TV, who's the hottest celebrity or what anyone thinks of you.  It's kind of liberating.  

Anyways...kind of boring post but I don't have much to say right now without going into specifics about why I packed up and moved back to KS so quickly.  Still sorting through those emotions right now...so more on that later...maybe.

Peace, love and chicken grease.  Hope everyone has a great 2014!

-India



As they say in Romanian:

Nu clipi. Dacă faci clipi vei fi brusc de treizeci de ani.  

(Don't blink.  If you do blink you'll suddenly be thirty years old.)

Used To...

In the last year and a half I have lost and gained weight.  I finally stuck to the age-old method of eat less/exercise more and over the last 11-ish months I have lost roughly 70+ pounds. 

About six weeks ago I decided to push myself a little harder than normal and I went on a six mile jog instead of a three mile jog.  I was elated.  The next night I went for a seven mile jog.  I couldn't believe it!  A year ago I weighed 279 (or more, maybe) and now I'm running seven miles!

But, my knee started hurting.  Not a little.  A LOT.  Ten minutes into my runs it felt like someone was stabbing me in the side of my kneecap.  *Sigh*

So, went to the doctor and discovered that I had caused myself IT Band Syndrome.  Solution: Physical Therapy coupled with heavy stretching, rest (no jogging) and strength exercises for my hip flexors.

Fast forward four weeks and I am still in massive amounts of pain (yeah, I know...there's no crying in baseball...blah blah blah) and I've packed on 11 pounds (some of it was water weight and some of it was being a fatass and stuffing my emotions into my pie-hole).

I started feeling pretty sorry for myself.  And I continued the vicious cycle of beat-self-up-so-shove-more-food-in-my-mouth-and-continue-to-go-gain-weight-so-beat-self-up-some-more-and-man-those-nachos-look-delicious-I-should-probably-eat-all-the-nachos-I-can-until-I-feel-like-puking.  Yep, it was that serious.

I'm back on track now and following my PT religiously.  Yes, my leg/knee is still in a considerable amount of pain (please, don't even look at my left leg) but I've gained control of my eating again and here's why I will stop living in the past and starting recognizing the things I have accomplished:

-I used to weigh 279...but now I weigh 188 (as of this morning).

-I used to feel like shit and stuff my face full of junk food because I felt like shit, thereby causing me to feel even more shitty...but now I keep healthy snacks around me because I know I lack self-control.

-I used to get winded and sweaty just from walking around in the grocery store...but now I can exercise (jog/cycle) without even blinking.

-I used to wear (tight) size 26 pants...but now I wear a comfortable size 14.

-I used to not be able to tie my shoes without almost passing out because my stomach was so huge...but now I can do yoga for an hour.

The point is - I will STOP beating myself up because I was human and gained back 11 pounds.  I am not finished and I have not reached the 'Big Goal'...but I am only 40 pounds away from my goal weight (and currently I am not really focused on weight but I'm focused on how I feel and look in my clothes).  Last year I was 139 pounds away from my goal...now I'm only 40 pounds.  That's fucking amazing, dammit.

Never give up.  Even if you gain 11 pounds back.  Start over.  Right now.  Do it.  No excuses (within reason).

-IndiaGuerita

     
Left side was Thanksgiving day in 2010.  Right side was this morning. 
                                         

Elysium Fields

Last night my husband and I sat outside after the kids were in bed and we were watching music videos and chatting.  Randomly I started talking about some of my favorite memories of my friend who passed away almost three months ago.

Most of the memories were sweet and funny.  But some were sad and serious memories, memories that left me with feelings of a regret that I have never felt before. 

As we sat together and my husband listened to my tales of shenanigans, fights and private conversations that I had with my friend that I had never shared with anyone before, my thoughts turned melancholy. 

I looked at my husband and I could feel the tears starting behind my eyelids.  I asked him simply: Why?  Why do you think it had to be him?  He was full of pure, unadulterated goodness.  His smile could change the course of your day. 

My husband stared at me and I prepared for the typical 'That's life' response.  I didn't want to hear that response anymore.  I needed a reason for this pointless tragedy.  (Everything happens for a reason, right?)  His response was much better than 'That's life'.  It was exactly what I needed to hear, although I was not quite prepared for the tranquility and epiphany that followed. 

In Greek mythology there is a place called the Elysium Fields.  It is a place that Catholics would call Pergatory.  It is a place where the dead go to be 'judged'.  Hades...or Heaven.  Or in some cases the dead choose to remain in Elysium Fields. 

"Initially separate from the realm of Hades, admission was initially reserved for mortals related to the gods and other heroes. Later, it expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous, and the heroic, where they would remain after death, to live a blessed and happy life, and indulging in whatever employment they had enjoyed in life."

I think this is where my friend is right now.  I think he stays behind - making his 'visits' via dreams to his friends and family who have been so devastated by his loss.  He is telling us that he is okay, that he is happy.  He is checking on us - making sure that we are okay and that we are happy.  I laughed and told my husband that my friend visited me, in a dream, not long after his death and he was smiling, like always.  He was laughing and he told me:  I'm fine!  Really!  I'm so happy.  I will be okay... 

My husband responded that my friend really was a remarkable man...even in death he is selfless.  I laughed...hysterically.  It is true!  It's exactly the kind of thing my friend would have done.  He would stay behind...prolonging his journey to the true afterlife to make sure that his friends and family are at peace. 

This morning I had a moment of clarity while I was driving to work.  I was thinking about him making his dream visits and I silently begged for one last visit.  The selfishness of this request hit me like a ton of bricks.  My selfishness was delaying the moment that my friend had worked his short 28 years for: Being at the right hand of God.

And so, my dearest, sweet, honorable, selfless, intelligent, radiant and truly one-of-a-kind friend...I am letting go.  Thank you for checking in on me but I want you to go now.  I am at peace.  I will never, ever have a day that you do not cross my mind.  You deserve to go and enjoy your rightful and well earned place in Heaven or in Elysium Fields.  I will miss you.

-IndiaGuerita

"And they live untouched by sorrow in the islands of the blessed along the shore of deep-swirling Ocean, happy heroes for whom the grain-giving earth bears honey-sweet fruit flourishing thrice a year, far from the deathless gods, and Cronos rules over them." -Hesiod, Works and Days

Land of the Free?

Yesterday, while talking to a friend of mine, I found out that he could not put his domestic partner on his insurance.  What, whaaaat? 

I thought to myself...nah...that can't be right.  I'll just do some research and fix this for him.  So, I started reading.  I read through our employee handbook.  I read the confusing and vague 'laws' that I found (Yes...'on the internet'). 

I just sat there staring at my husband.  This just can't be right.  These are human beings we're talking about.  And they can't get health insurance together...because...?  Someone is morally outraged?  Why?

I don't get it, 'Murica.  Logically it does not make sense for domestic partners not be insurable under the same policy.  This is not about morals...this is not about religion.  This about basic rights as a human.  I feel like insurance companies and employers are telling homosexuals to go to the 'back of the bus'...

Are we really the land of the free?  I don't know anymore...

Making Mistakes

My husband and I were discussing our decisions over the past 12 years and how each time we decide to change/do something new...it turns in a clusterfuck of epic proportions.  We even asked ourselves: Are we losers?  Or are we just...*gasp*...stupid?

Everyone makes mistakes in life...and really - making mistakes is part of the learning process for me.  I understand and accept this fact...even if it means learning the hard way.  But, I'm tired.  We're tired.  We go to bed every night and stare at our ceiling, lost in our thoughts.  (Or, at least I do...usually he's snoring within minutes of hitting the pillow.)

I want to go back to college and get a degree...in something...in anything.  I feel like the key to us getting ahead and 'making something of ourselves' is an education.  I see my friends and acquaintances on FaceBook moving up...making money...happy.  And they continued with their education and started their family after their career took off.  Don't get me wrong...I do not regret my choices of getting married at a young age and having children right away.  At the time, it was right for our family.  But, now we're stuck...in a place we don't really like...away from our families and broke.  Not destitute...we have a roof over our heads...and food in the pantry.  But, we only have one car...which barely runs...we have literally been stuck inside the house for all of summer because when one is home, with the kids, the other is at work...with the car. 

I don't need fancy toys or million dollar cars/houses...I just want to be comfortable.  I just want to go to the beach on the weekends without worrying about gas money...or grocery money...and not worrying about having a hamburger at the local beach side hole-in-the-wall. 

This wasn't really supposed to be about money...it was supposed to be about how my mistakes and decisions have driven us into the ground and forced us to make last-second decisions that ultimately make things worse - no matter how much we've analyzed the decision beforehand (usually only a few days before we dive in - headfirst).

For example...last year I was offered a promotion.  In a different state.  A state with a beach.  And palm trees.  And more money.  So...I dove in...headfirst.  And here we are.  Isolated...broke...stuck.  It's not all bad...it's really not.  The beach is okay.  The restaurants are okay.  And there are definitely palm trees here.  It's not any more expensive than where we were before.  But, something is missing here and I can't put my finger on it.  I can't believe I'm going to say this...after all the years of promising myself that I would leave Kansas come hell or high water...but I think I left my heart in Kansas. 

I left it with the people who I left behind.  I miss my family and my friends.  I'm not tied to the land...just the people (although the thought of being in a shark and gator-free state is very enticing).  I miss my mom.  I miss my grandma.  People are dying there and I can't go to their funerals...I can't say goodbye.  And...I miss my little nieces and nephews. 

This is definitely not what I expected...and I neglected to think about these things before I dove in and ran, hysterically screaming and laughing at finally 'escaping'.  (What exactly did I escape?)

Anyways...it's time to do something.  I can't stay here forever...I can't watch people die from 1,200 miles away.  But, this time we have to do it right...for once.  With forethought and meticulous planning.  No more diving in headfirst. 

-IndiaGuerita